


Wasteland

by nyanlix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Author is bad at tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Beta Read, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, This is not Happy, brief mention of self harm, this is pretty short so there aren't a lot of tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29903613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyanlix/pseuds/nyanlix
Summary: The soulmate AU where every lie your soulmate tells you appears on your skin.Felix had his hand firmly circled around Chan’s wrist as he pulled him up the stairs, holding on as if he were a skittish dog that would tuck tail and run at any given opportunity.Perhaps he would have.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello hello~
> 
> This is a work that I posted many many years ago in a different fandom that I'm no longer a part of, so I revamped it and decided to repost it here!
> 
> This is pretty angsty so... be warned. 
> 
> Title and intro quote taken from Wasteland by Against the Current. Enjoy!

**_“I don’t want to wake up in your wasteland”_ **

Chan stared down at the coffee cup between his elbows, resting his cheek in the palm of his hand. No real thoughts had entered his mind for at a minimum the past few hours, he was in a daze as he stared blankly ahead for no real reason. It was no later than 7 in the morning, which was actually sleeping in for the music composition student. With a deep breath, he inhaled the earthy scent of drink, long since cold. He slowly dipped his chin to his chest and shut his eyes with a deep inhale and exhale, rubbing the inside of his forearm mindlessly, the phantom sensations of the previous night leaving invisible scars upon his skin.

_ Chan had found it odd that Felix was the one leading them up to Chan’s apartment. It probably wasn’t that unusual given that Felix had been there a handful of times before, enough that he could know the path there if it were necessary, but never before under the pretenses of what was about to happen. It still felt out of place. As they climbed up the stairs, Felix turned his head and gave Chan one of his dazzling smiles, almost as if he was making sure that yes, Chan is still behind me. He almost needed the reassurance even though Felix had his hand firmly circled around Chan’s wrist as he pulled him up the stairs, holding on as if he were a skittish dog that would tuck tail and run at any given opportunity. _

_ Perhaps he would have. _

Standing up from the table with a sigh, he placed the untouched drink in the sink to become future-Chan’s problem. Maybe when - no, if - he got his emotions in check. Chan wasn’t one to ever let things get to him if he had any say in the matter. He tends to put up a wall, “The Great Wall of Chan” he would mentally refer to it. Few people got to see beyond the wall and experience what lay beyond, because under that thick exterior was a boy who was sensitive and exposed. Vulnerable.

_ Felix shut the door and quickly locked it. Chan was standing in the middle of the living room, a sizeable gap between the two of them but their eyes were locked on one another. They were the same height, but even as Felix approached the older, he felt like Felix was towering over him. Chan, all muscles and broad shoulder, felt so small then. He took shy steps backwards, matched with Felix’s confident steps forward. Soon he bumped into his bedroom door. He stayed there, unmoving, as Felix closed the distance between them. Finally, Felix was just a mere breath away, their lips sharing the same miniscule space. They stayed like that, centimeters apart for what felt like an eternity, with their breaths intermingling. Chan’s breath hitched when Felix reached a small and gentle hand to Chan’s jaw, thumb caressing his cheek. _

_ Their lips touched for not the first time that night, nor the last. _

He was still standing in front of the sink, eyes raking in all the dishes he’d managed to accumulate.  _ I really should take care of this. _ He went to his bedroom, decidedly to get ready for the day, but paused in his tracks once he was in the middle of the room. He looked to the dirty sheets and clothes that filled up his laundry hamper. As a college student, he wasn’t exceptionally lazy - he preferred to consider himself average in that regard. He kept up on things. Did the dishes before they grew legs and ran away, vacuumed before the dust bunnies could conquer his home, and only sometimes would the laundry overflow to the point where he wasn’t sure what the floor looked like beneath. But now, he stared at the small mound of clothes that made a home in front of the full hamper, the messy sheets and drool stains on the pillow. How could he have let himself get like this?

_ The way Chan’s back arched could only be described as something breathtakingly beautiful. His fingers were curled in the tresses of Felix’s hair, tugging when he managed to use his tongue in a way that made Chan’s toes curl. It was a sensation he hadn’t experienced before, not this amazing in the least. Nothing had ever felt so memorable and monumental, it would be emblazoned in his mind similar to the marks he etched down Felix’s back. _

Finding himself no longer in his bedroom but instead in the bathroom, he leaned against the tiled wall. The cold permeated through what thin clothes he wore. He slowly sunk down, slow enough that he could feel his clothes catch on the graininess of the wall on his back as he made his way down. He was sitting, now, with his knees pressed to his chest. His fingers returned back to his forearm, the skin concealed by a black long sleeve shirt. He traced his fingers in the shape of letters, before digging his nails into the fabric as hard as he could manage. Had the cloth not been there, he surely would’ve drawn blood. Warm tear drops slid down his cheeks as silent sobs threatened to wrack through his body. 

_ “Oh Felix, Lix, I’m so close-!” _

_ “Just a bit longer, baby, I’m right there with you.” Felix’s deep voice rang in his ear. _

_ The room was as hot as an oven. _

_ There was nothing but warmth and love between the two of them. _

_ They were both climbing a mountain, just about to its peak - and together, they saw the sudden blinding white light. _

_ “Ah, Lixie…” Pants and heavy breathing filled the air. _

_ Eventually, a long moment of silence. _

_ Even longer. _

_ Had hours passed? _

_ “Chan… I love you.” _

_ “I love you too, Felix.” _

With an outraged cry, he determinedly stood up. He furiously removed all of his clothing, nearly ripping in the process. He could hardly see, his eyes were filled to the brim with tears. He stood in front of the bathroom mirror, pure and unmarked skin in the reflection looking back at him. No bruises, no scars, no birthmarks, no tattoos. To most this is a rare and precious thing, considering that every lie your soulmate tells you becomes forever branded into the skin. No bruises, no scars, no birthmarks, no tattoos, and most importantly, no lies.

Correction - No lies until the morning after that fateful night.

Chan wasn’t egotistical, but he did like to admire his own body. He took care of himself, worked out, and he liked to think that he was nice to look at. But now, whenever he’d see himself, there would only be one thing that stood out to him. 

Taking up the entire length of the inside of his forearm, so easily able to be displayed for the entire world to see, in big, bold letters, a lie from his soulmate.  _ I love you _ .


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made some major revisions to this from the original version I wrote years ago. There's parts of this chapter that I love and parts that I dislike. There's a lot of plot points and quotes that I love, but I feel like the time jumping became funky? I hope it still reads okay.
> 
> This isn't a happy fic... but enjoy? ^^;

Chan has had his tattoo for one week.

It wasn’t a voluntary one, he didn’t go to a tattoo shop and pick out some meaningful design, no - his soulmate was the one to thank for it.

A simple lie to the face was all it took, the words appearing on the skin where they would stay. Forever. There was no removing them. There were no take-backs. Maybe the lie could one day become truth - the mark would always remain. 

Lies can be forgiven, but they will not be forgotten.

_ Chan and his best friend, Han Jisung, were sitting in the grass, eating cheap fast food in the one hour gap they had between two of their classes.  _

_ “Hey, Chan, look,” Jisung was looking off in the distance.  _

_ Chan leaned back on a hand and turned around, glancing in the vague direction of Jisung’s glance. He furrowed his brows at the scene before him. “Isn’t that Felix?” Jisung asked.  _

_ “Yeah, that’s him.” It wasn’t a secret in Chan’s friendship circle that he had a major crush on the younger dance major. Chan and Felix had shared a general education class in the spring semester of the previous year. That was how they met, and later became friends.  _

_ Lovers.  _

_ Soulmates.  _

_ Jisung elbowed Chan, earning a pained “ow” in response. “But who’s that guy he’s with? I haven’t seen him around before.”  _

_ Chan looked in closer. “I don’t know, maybe it’s some ditz from a class they share.” He knew his passive aggression was showing, but he didn’t care when it came to Felix. He loved him, and had every belief that they were going to spend their lives together, just like they were meant to. “It doesn’t matter who he is. I’m the one he’s going to end up with.”  _

It has been one week.

A week of pacing, denial, guilt, and shame. He attended his classes and tried his best to not fall behind. His insomnia, ever present, had worsened over the past seven days and made his life even more of a living hell. He found it harder to concentrate, harder to listen, and harder to focus. His thoughts were everything and nothing, Felix and emptiness. He had never once been more insecure in his entire life.

Eventually, he gave up. He was exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained.

He and Felix still had not talked. They didn’t have any classes in common, not since last year, and they rarely crossed paths on campus. They shared a text every now and again, sometimes going a while without any communication. This wasn’t unusual, everything was okay - or so he tried to convince himself.

He couldn’t let his soulmate slip like sand between his fingers. You only get one soulmate in this world, if you even get one. He could feel the determination boiling inside him. The words on his arm were evidence enough that he had a soulmate, and it was Felix. They were meant to be together.

_ Chan opened up his school email account.  _

_ “Vote here for the homecoming court!” read the subject line of the first email listed in his box. _

_ He scoffed a bit - it was just a popularity contest, nobody cared about the merits each person had. Because so many people attended their college, they submitted applications to a board with staff at the college. Sure, the court ended up being people with good things on their college resume, with a shit ton of extracurriculars and all that, whoever was best at kissing professors’ asses, but whoever had the best social life would be the ultimate holder of ‘king’ or ‘queen’.  _

_ For a reason still unbeknownst to himself, he clicked the link directing him to a page with information about every person on the court.  _

_ He scrolled down and skimmed through short bios about each candidate, each full of sports and clubs and “volunteering” that he was sure was all falsified or at the very least exaggerated. He stopped when he saw a familiar face.  _

_ Long face. Happy eyes. He couldn’t lie, this guy was attractive. Smoldering.  _

_ Despite being a photo from the waist up, there was something about this guy that just seemed… short. And then he knew. _

_ Seo Changbin.  _

_ He narrowed his eyes, honing in on the paragraph describing this “Changbin”. _

Chan was not one to let an opportunity go unwasted. If he could get Felix to fall for him, get him to say “I love you” again and not have the words appear upon his skin… He could only imagine the excitement that he would feel. He would be the happiest man alive, without a doubt.

Ready to patch their relationship and pave the road for bigger, better things between the two of them, he sent Felix a text inviting him to come over the next day for coffee.

Felix accepted the invitation.

_ “Hey Chan!”  _

_ Chan looked up from his ipad to see Jisung jogging over to him.  _

_ “Hey, did you see this?” Jisung extended his phone, showing Chan the same email that he had read the day before.  _

_ “Yeah, I saw it.” He pushed the phone away.  _

_ Jisung pocketed it. “I think you’ve got some competition man. His name is Changbin, he’s a pre-law student, Chan. He’s going to be a lawyer! He’s going to take showers in hundred dollar bills!” He made a motion pretending to be blowing dollar bills into the wind.  _

_ Chan looked away, crossing his arms to hug himself tightly while he felt his insecurities closing in around him too tightly.  _

Looking in the mirror, Chan looked like shit. He felt like it too.

So he did what any sensible person would do - take a handful of sleeping pills and hope for the best.

He slept for 15 hours.

He slept like the dead. He supposed the sleep was restful as it helped lift many effects of his sleep-deprived lifestyle. He didn’t exactly feel like he was at the top of his game or even energized. The bags under his eyes were still present, but smaller and not as dark. He didn’t feel cranky or angry, or that he might snap at any given second. He felt refreshed, and he had a clear mind. Looking at the clock, it was 11:42 in the morning. Felix would be over in just a few hours, and maybe they could talk about what happened.

_ The day could almost mirror the events that took place just a few weeks prior. Chan and Jisung were sharing their lunch, although today it was rather quiet. Instead of chatting and Chan ogling Felix, the only thing he could manage to do was stare lasers into Changbin’s head.  _

_ Why was he so special? What did he have that Chan didn’t?  _

_ Jisung could tell his best friend was distressed, in kind terms.  _

_ “Why don’t we go inside? I just remembered that I have to go meet with a professor to pick up a packet for a class I missed yesterday-” Jisung was desperately trying to pull Chan’s attention away from the scene unfolding before him, but trailed off when it was too late.  _

_ Across the courtyard, nearly the same place where Chan saw Changbin for the first time, Felix was leaning against a tree with Changbin dangerously close to him.  _

_ They were kissing.  _

A quick sniff to his shirt revealed that a shower was very much needed. He cleaned up and readied himself for the day. The sleeping pills still lingered in his system, but the shower helped to wash away the tiredness. He dressed himself to impress, wearing clothes that he knew he looked good in. He made sure to wear something with sleeves to cover up the words he hated to see but yearned to hear. Their relationship - whatever kind it was at this point - was on thin ice. If he messed this up, it was likely that this was it.

It was uncommon but not unheard of for soulmates to end up being with other people.

_ It was night time, dark and chilly outside but Felix’s arms around him were warm. Their breaths could be seen in the cold, trembling out through a helpless smile. He and Chan hadn’t talked much since Felix and Changbin started spending more time together, although this information was not so well kept from Chan. Chan had heard about a hip hop gathering at a bar near campus, and he knew that Felix was fond of that kind of music. He was surprised when he said yes, and he couldn’t wait to see him again.  _

Looking at the clock, it was 1 pm. He decided he should probably cook something for first-meal, so he made frozen eggo waffles. He mindlessly watched some comedy shows to help pass the time but was unable to focus. 

He would wait for Felix.

He was startled when he heard knocking on the door, having momentarily forgotten the time. He quickly got up and dusted himself off, making his clothes neat and turning off the tv. “Coming!”

He dumped his syrupy plate in the sink on his way to the apartment door, stopping to take a much needed deep breath and smoothing out his clothes before he opened the door. “Hey, Felix, how’s it going?”

It was was eight days now past the incident and Chan could face Felix. He could tell him his feelings, he could repair their relationship. It would be fixed. They would be happy.

After all, they were made for each other.

“I haven’t started the coffee yet, so let me go put it on.” Chan left Felix on the couch, hands shaky as he prepared the machine. 

Standing in the kitchen waiting for the coffee, he pulled up the sleeve of his shirt. Looking at his left forearm, he only saw smooth, unmarked skin. Using his forefinger to rub at the soft skin, he could feel the thickness of the foundation he had caked on earlier. It concealed all of the imperfection that lay beneath, not a single black letter seeped through and maybe he could pretend it wasn’t there.

He rolled his sleeve back down when the coffee pot beeped, pouring two cups and taking them both with him as he settled next to his soulmate. 

“So… I kinda wanted to talk to you about something.” Chan started, sitting up straighter before he continued. “I’m... just curious, what’s your relationship with Changbin?”

Taking a sip of the coffee, Felix let out a hiss when the steaming hot liquid hit his tongue. He set the cup down, before narrowly looking into Chan’s eyes at the seemingly accusing question. “What does Changbin have to do with anything?”

Chan hated Felix’s intimidating look, so much that he glanced away. “I would just feel wrong… with us. I noticed you two spend a lot of time together and with what happened last week I don’t want to interrupt something. I don’t want to cause drama.”

Felix cleared his throat, leaning back against the cushions of the couch. “It won’t cause any drama.”

“Can you just do something for me?” Chan asked, not pleadingly.

“What’s that?” Felix responded gruffly. 

“Can you just look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love him? It’ll help me feel better about…” he gestured between the two of them. “This,”

“Oh, Chan,” He chuckled, sitting up more so he could look him in the eyes. His small hands reached up, cupping both of Chan’s cheeks. “I’m not in love with Seo Changbin.” Felix smiled brightly, it even reached his eyes. He leaned in, sealing the promise with a kiss. 

Looking at the clock, it was near midnight. Felix had long since left, but not before making sure that Chan felt loved, tangled up in each other on the couch. Darkness fell in the city and encapsulated his apartment, the only light now was from his tv, playing a late night talk show that he had muted. He stared blankly, unmoving for hours now.

Nothing bad had happened today, quite the contrary. Felix made him feel  _ loved.  _

Even still, he was terrified to see. He couldn’t go to the bathroom and risk exposing what he fears most. 

He couldn’t lay on the couch forever though, the couch that he and Felix had just had sex on hours ago, as much as he loved staying in limbo. He felt as if he were a scientist and this was Schrödinger's cat of soulmate markings. 

He was finally able to will himself into the bathroom to brush his teeth and prepare for bed. Each article of clothing he pulled off in front of the mirror came with a wave of dread. Standing naked, he saw no new words. He still hesitated to believe it. He decided to shower, to help wash away the emotional stress he carried in his muscles, the foundation hiding what he wishes to be true, and the mess between his legs that had long since become gross. 

He hopped in the shower and scrubbed the foundation off of his inner forearm, revealing words that he wouldn’t mind cutting away. He checked his chest, both arms and his legs - still no signs of any lies. He felt an immense amount of relief and joy. Maybe Felix couldn’t take back the lie about loving him, but perhaps there was a chance the words on his arms could become true, maybe Felix could love him in return.

He stepped out of the shower and started drying off. He couldn’t contain the joy coursing through his body, his smile unwavering. Whipping the towel up to dry his damp hair, he knocked his phone off the counter. “Oh, shit.” He bent down to pick it up, making sure it had no cracks in the process. As he stood up, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something.

Something small. Something black. 

Thinking it was something behind him, he quickly turned around. He was faced with nothing but the bathroom wall. “This is some creepy horror movie shit or something,” with a shrug, he returned to drying off.

But then, it dawned on him.

He was shaking with dread and panic and it took him a couple tries to open the camera app. His fingers decided they didn’t want to work anymore. He turned his back to the mirror and used his phone to snap a picture. Surely enough, there was a smidgen of black on his back, right at the base of his neck. Zooming in, he started to recognize words. His heart that was once just cracked, then deeply fractured, was now shattered as he read the words that would forever be imprinted on him.

_ I’m not in love with Seo Changbin. _

Sometimes things that are broken are best left unfixed.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read all of this, I love you, you're the best <3 I'm always seeking out constructive ways I can make my fics better. 
> 
> If you'd like to give me some feedback or some prompts, here's my [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/nyanlix)
> 
> let's be friends! [twt](https://twitter.com/straydaddy97)


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